Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 31 to 45 of 45

Thread: Unknown Facility Iran

  1. #31
    Super Moderator Captain Hornblower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Koblenz, Germany
    Posts
    1,904

    Default Meantime a little fun...

    John Cleese Letter of Revocation (December 2004):

    To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

    John Cleese

    Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e., it always increases.
    Norman R. Augustine

  2. #32

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Hornblower View Post
    I see... Once I followed a funny discussion between a British and an US guy The running gag was about 'aluminium'
    I imagine the British term for cigarette has probably let to a few bar fights over the years when a Brit tries to bum one from an American.

    Matt
    Matt Fox

  3. #33
    Senior Member Jrod's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    204

    Default

    That was great! now come at me with that banana!

  4. #34

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jrod View Post
    That was great! now come at me with that banana!
    Notice how he didn't recommend British cars.

    I also have to make it clear that all Americans do not like Budweiser. Guinness is my favorite.

    Matt
    Matt Fox

  5. #35
    Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Denmark
    Posts
    2,779

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Forkboy2 View Post
    I also have to make it clear that all Americans do not like Budweiser.

    Matt
    How many Americans actually know that Budweiser is originally a Czech beer from ČeskÚ Budějovice, Bohemia. (Budweiser means from Budweis in German).

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Budweis...demark_dispute

  6. #36
    Super Moderator Munden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Posts
    939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sladys View Post
    How many Americans actually know that Budweiser is originally a Czech beer from ČeskÚ Budějovice, Bohemia. (Budweiser means from Budweis in German).

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Budweis...demark_dispute
    Honestly, to most Americans it's just 'beer'. Try to explain that it's a Pilsner styled lager and they'd complain they're drinking BUD not HEINEKEN.

    I've taken a real shining to Belgian beers over the years. Chimay, Corsendonk, St. Feuillien, Delerium, and plenty of others. You don't really find anything like those by American brewers.

    As for slang and all, those of you familiar with British slang might find this URL to a page amusing.

  7. #37
    Super Moderator
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Denmark
    Posts
    2,779

    Default

    Then we can go over into another category. Dumb laws (Are obviously real).

    Tennessee:
    Driving is not to be done while asleep.

    It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

    California:
    Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

    Women may not drive in a house coat.

    No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

    Nevada:
    It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

    Pennsylvania:
    Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.

    You may not sing in the bathtub.

    United Kingdom:
    London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

    It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).

    Denmark:
    No one may start a car while someone is underneath the vehicle. (Is true)

    If a horse drawn carriage is trying to pass a car and the horse becomes uneasy, the owner of the car is required to pull over and if necessary, cover the car. (Is true)

    http://www.dumblaws.com/

    http://www.idiotlaws.com/

    http://tjshome.com/dumblaws.php

  8. #38
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Wiltshire
    Posts
    32

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Appletom View Post
    I'm enjoying this debate and want to thank both of you for keeping it civilized and civilised.

    I will take exception to Jolanta's combined statements:

    "Nazi Germany [was] founded on militaristic expansionism, lebensraum and ethnic purity"

    Absolutely true.

    "... and then support a Zionist State which does exactly the same."

    Really. With the exception of a few miles outside its own borders - while engaged in wars started by other countries - when has Israel ever been involved in militaristic expansionism? I've certainly never seen Israel attacking and conquering country after country.

    Lebensraum - I will gladly admit to having to look this word up and it can sort-of/kind-of be used to describe Israel's building of settlements. But that's quite the stretch, as the dictionary description states Lebensraum is "finding additional 'living space' by adding colonies" while Hitler defined Lebensraum as "exterminating the entire urban population by starvation, thus creating an agricultural surplus to feed Germany and allowing their replacement by a German upper class."

    And now the fun part - Ethnic Purity. Jolanta, since you made the comparison between the Nazi's and the State Of Israel, can you please tell us how many people the Israelis have sent to gas chambers because they were not of the correct race or religion?

    Last but not least, you sort-of agreed with Matt's flippant statement "if the US stopped supporting Israel, all the problems in the middle east would go away, and all the middle eastern countries would immediately become best buddies and live happily ever after."

    The whacko militant idiots in the middle east will only be happy when the state of Israel is completely and totally destroyed. The USA could stop any and all aid and support tomorrow and the people would blindly hate Israel just as much.
    So glad you agreed with virtually all I said.

    Your extrapolation to the 'gas chambers' stage however is the last argument of the desperate. If you are willing to state here and now that the State of Israel is not founded on the idea of Zionism - a homeland for the 'chosen people' and ONLY them - then I shall give you points for consistency, at least... even if you will be totally wrong. It is actually written into its constitution.

    Israel has driven virtually a whole people from its lands and confined it to grinding poverty and occupation for 60 years, attacked almost every country within reach, secretly developed nuclear weapons and reserves to itself the right to observe which UN resolutions it will observe and which not.

    With 'Allies' like that, are you serious about wondering, innocent-eyed, why you might just have the occasional enemy...? Wake up and get real before the Jewish lobby in the US has us all heading into World War III.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Jrod's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    204

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Munden View Post
    Honestly, to most Americans it's just 'beer'. Try to explain that it's a Pilsner styled lager and they'd complain they're drinking BUD not HEINEKEN.

    I agree most people here do just see it as beer. There are alot out there like myself that perfer a more full flavored beer. instead of one that is just water with a little beer flavor to it. I enjoy flying dog brand myself and sierra nevada and boars head. If you can find them try them.

  10. #40

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jolanta Zofia Nowak View Post
    So glad you agreed with virtually all I said.

    Your extrapolation to the 'gas chambers' stage however is the last argument of the desperate. If you are willing to state here and now that the State of Israel is not founded on the idea of Zionism - a homeland for the 'chosen people' and ONLY them - then I shall give you points for consistency, at least... even if you will be totally wrong. It is actually written into its constitution.
    Don't the Arabs want it all for them....and ONLY them?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jolanta Zofia Nowak View Post
    Israel has driven virtually a whole people from its lands and confined it to grinding poverty and occupation for 60 years, attacked almost every country within reach, secretly developed nuclear weapons and reserves to itself the right to observe which UN resolutions it will observe and which not.
    Same exact things could be said about several other countries in the middle east.
    Matt Fox

  11. #41
    Moderator Emeritus Appletom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    El Paso, Texas
    Posts
    1,279

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Forkboy2 View Post
    Don't the Arabs want it all for them....and ONLY them?
    And the Shiite's want it only for them, and the Sunnies want it only for themselves, and the . . . on and on and on.

    Why do so many groups/sects feel it is OK to kill someone else because you don't believe in the same God as I do?

  12. #42
    ṨῤἵḋểṙẊƻƻ SpiderX22's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,914

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Appletom View Post
    But to answer your question Captain, it's just two spellings of the same word. Like "Color" and "Colour", like "Theater" and "Theatre".
    I have to point this one out, seeing as I remember reading something on this:
    http://theaterhelper.com/content/view/61/9/

    "The word theater can refer to a theater building, the art of theater, or even a home theater system.

    The word theatre should always refer to the art form and only the art form. "
    ٩(̾●̮̮̃̾Ľ̃̾)۶

  13. #43
    Junior Member wilsonae's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    The Hague, NL
    Posts
    1

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Munden View Post
    Honestly, to most Americans it's just 'beer'. Try to explain that it's a Pilsner styled lager and they'd complain they're drinking BUD not HEINEKEN.
    To most people outside the US (and a lot inside), Budweiser is like making love in a canoe -- It's very close to water!
    Last edited by sladys; 07-29-2008 at 01:52 PM. Reason: Change bad shortened word

  14. #44
    Super Moderator Captain Hornblower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Koblenz, Germany
    Posts
    1,904

    Default

    rotfl

    Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e., it always increases.
    Norman R. Augustine

  15. #45
    Super Moderator Munden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Posts
    939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by wilsonae View Post
    To most people outside the US (and a lot inside), Budweiser is like making love in a canoe -- It's very close to water!


    Very good.

    I was shocked, I confess, at the amount of Bud being guzzled in London on my first trip there. (ack, back in '95) I went to an Aussie bar with a friend as it was Australia vs New Zealand in a rugby final. I figured there would be bottled English beers or Fosters there, but nope! I think I was one of about 10 in this packed bar that was NOT drinking a Bud.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •